Waiting

Feb 2005

Always waiting. Waiting for him to come home, waiting to hear from him, waiting for the telephone to ring with his call, waiting for his footsteps outside, waiting for his knock on the door, waiting, always waiting. Always thinking. Thinking about him –is he sleeping? Is he eating, is he warm? Is he scared?

Fear – my new companion. So many nights of not sleeping, so many days and nights of being afraid…Fear that the telephone will ring, fear of OTHER footsteps outside, fear of THAT knock on the door. Fear that I can taste as a dry bitter taste in my mouth, which I feel in the pit of my stomach. Fear that chokes my throat so that I cannot talk, cannot breathe. Fear that makes me cry and consumes me, and makes my hands sweat, and keeps me awake at night, waiting and thinking, worrying and waiting… Fear, that when I hear news of soldiers, and something has happened, and they say the names and I breathe a guilty sigh of relief that it is not him, not us, not me…..

When he was born, all those years ago, I remember I looking down at this small human being in my arms, and I swore an oath that I would do all in my power not to ever let anything or anyone hurt him. That I would always protect this child. That I would never let him suffer, never let him hurt emotionally or physically…….and I failed to keep that promise. I failed to keep him safe from the physical and emotional hardships he endured, I was unable to take away the things and events he was a witness to and a part of, and I was unable to protect his soul from the moral dilemmas that faced him in the fulfillment of his duty. I was helpless in the face of his overwhelming, constant exhaustion, powerless to keep the closed, cold hardness that crept into him away. All I wanted to do was to hold him in my arms, and tell him I would make it all right. All I wanted to do on weekends when he came home was to just keep him there, safe. And at night when he was finally asleep, I would watch him sleep, and weep, because I knew that the next day I would have to again put on my brave face, my big smile, swallow and hide my tears and say goodbye. I would watch him walk out of the door, and go again to where I couldn't protect him…where I would go back to my fear, and to waiting…..